REAL conversations create results—not just any old results, but the results we actually want. These desirable results are always mutually beneficial to the participants in the conversation. When we hold REAL conversations, we achieve the desired results while at the same time increasing the rapport, respect, trust, and learning of everyone involved. The type of communication that creates REAL conversation is called dialogue.
The word dialogue comes from the Greek terms dia (meaning “through”) and logos (signifying “the meaning of the word”). Dialogue, then, is conversation where individuals come to understanding “through the meaning of the word.” The implication here is that everyone learns from the sharing of perspectives, ideas, and experiences. The meaning in the conversation is respectfully and authentically shared by everyone—not necessarily agreed upon, but shared and understood nonetheless.
Creating a REAL conversation requires four distinct skills or behaviors: Recognizing & Suspending, Expressing, Asking, and Listening & Attending. Using all of these behaviors in conversation creates the results we desire. Let’s take a moment to further define and explore each of these behaviors.
The Dialogue Model
Recognizing & Suspending is the ability to notice one’s thoughts and the resultant behaviors. After all, it is our thoughts, perceptions, interpretations, or paradigms that drive our behaviors! Simply taking a moment to notice our behaviors and the thoughts that drive them allows us the luxury of choice–we can recognize what is not working in a conversation and make a change! Recognition & Suspension requires a person to be both a participant and an observer in the conversation. The Suspension skill is the ability to momentarily set aside your thoughts, purpose, or agenda in order to hear and consider other points of view.
Expressing is sharing your points of view or your ideas. This is easier said than done! Sometimes we become so passionate or aggressive and thoroughly convinced that our own position or opinion is the right one that our delivery turns everyone else off. The challenge is to share or express ourselves in a way that invites cooperation and contribution by others.
Asking is the skill of inquiring and seeking to understand others in order to discover perspectives and possibilities from other points of view.
Listening & Attending requires that we not only listen to the words of a message, but that we also attend to what is being said. While we listen with our ears, we attend with our eyes, body, intuition, and heart. We really listen and attend with all of us! Listening & Attending is focused, non-judgmental, specific, and empathetic. These are skills that we practice with others in conversation. We also practice them on ourselves—we learn to listen to our own thoughts and feelings and how they impact our behavior and influence the behavior of others. As you can see, really listening and attending to others is not one of those skills where you can “fake it until you make it.” Listening skills must be practiced to be learned.
As the Dialogue model illustrates, all of these components are a part of creating REAL conversations. The skills of Expressing and Asking are “explicit” components in conversation—you can objectively see and experience ways in which people express their views and ask you questions. Recognizing & Suspending and Listening & Attending are the “tacit” components of the model. Although these elements are not directly visible, a person’s thinking and listening skills will influence the way they express their views and ask questions. The Dialogue model encompasses both the explicit and the tacit—both components are vital elements in creating REAL conversation.
Successfully using all of the skills of dialogue will go a long way toward establishing rapport, respect, trust, and candor. In short, using these skills will help you create the results you REAL-y want!
Tags: Communication, conversation, Dialogue