What is the foundation of all effective communication? Rapport!
I once had a physical therapist tell me she only had 20 to 60 seconds in which to establish rapport with a new client. When I asked her how she did it, she said that she cared about the individual, showed interest in them and their challenges or problems, and was fully present while interacting with them. She strongly emphasized caring for the individual as a person. Such concern communicates respect and establishes a sense of safety or security in the situation. Behaving consistently in this spirit of care and concern establishes a relationship which is based on trust and continues to grow over time.
The question then becomes: “Can an individual who doesn’t know how to establish rapport learn to do so?” And, perhaps more importantly: “Can an individual who has been abusive, disrespectful, or untrustworthy repair damaged rapport and respect?” We unequivocally answer “Yes!”
Everyone wants to connect. Connections are forged by showing interest, asking questions to improve or clarify understanding, listening to what people have to say, showing gratitude, and being present when speaking with others. We must learn to approach one another in a spirit of engagement and discovery. We must do what we can to maintain the self-esteem of the individual, realizing that how people feel about you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Conversations that are based on these positive behaviors will establish the desired rapport.
Foundation of Communication
Of the behaviors listed previously, being present and giving your full attention to another may have the most impact of all in creating rapport. If you approach an individual in disrespect, anger, frustration, or resentment, you are obviously distracted—which means no connection will occur. You are more focused on the situation at hand than on the individual with whom you are speaking. Accordingly, the person you approach with these sentiments feels disconnection, disrespect, mistrust, and a lack of safety. These feelings on the part of the listener seem to launch them into “self preservation” mode. In this mode, the listener will usually say or do whatever it takes to escape or avoid the anger and frustration which they perceive is being directed at them. Even worse, when they are in a state of apprehension, people are unable to fully comprehend the details or important aspects of the conversation that are required to resolve the current situation.
If approaching someone is a state of anger or frustration is so dysfunctional, why do we do it? For one thing, we may not be aware that we are even doing it. For another, part of the frustration that arises is because we have not received the results we desired or expected. When we are frustrated in this way, we often drive or push harder or more aggressively for what we failed to get in the first place. In the heat of the moment, this might seem like an effective approach—but this behavior usually does more to damage the relationship than to improve the results.
So what if you feel that the rapport thing is just “not you”? Can you “fake it until you make it”? Probably not. But if you consistently practice patience, ask questions, listen, formulate solutions together, and demonstrate respect for others; your attempts will begin to build rapport. Over time you will internalize the principles or behaviors that build rapport, respect, and trust.
It takes time and consistent practice because you are going to have to build a different perception of yourself in the mind of your listener to replace the current perspective that they may hold. This is not easy, and you will have to work hard to replace old perceptions. People will be wary and watching for the “old” you to reappear at any moment. You may slip up from time to time, but these regressions can be overcome with sincere apology. Then you will need to renew your commitments to the new behaviors you have begun to practice. Continued practice and consistency are the keys to the personal skill development that will help you build rapport and connection with others.