What is the foundation of all effective communication? Rapport!

I once had a physical therapist tell me she only had 20 to 60 seconds in which to establish rapport with a new client. When I asked her how she did it, she said that she cared about the individual, showed interest in them and their challenges or problems, and was fully present while interacting with them. She strongly emphasized caring for the individual as a person. Such concern communicates respect and establishes a sense of safety or security in the situation. Behaving consistently in this spirit of care and concern establishes a relationship which is based on trust and continues to grow over time.

The question then becomes: “Can an individual who doesn’t know how to establish rapport learn to do so?” And, perhaps more importantly: “Can an individual who has been abusive, disrespectful, or untrustworthy repair damaged rapport and respect?” We unequivocally answer “Yes!”

Everyone wants to connect. Connections are forged by showing interest, asking questions to improve or clarify understanding, listening to what people have to say, showing gratitude, and being present when speaking with others. We must learn to approach one another in a spirit of engagement and discovery. We must do what we can to maintain the self-esteem of the individual, realizing that how people feel about you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Conversations that are based on these positive behaviors will establish the desired rapport.

Foundation of Communication

Of the behaviors listed previously, being present and giving your full attention to another may have the most impact of all in creating rapport. If you approach an individual in disrespect, anger, frustration, or resentment, you are obviously distracted—which means no connection will occur. You are more focused on the situation at hand than on the individual with whom you are speaking. Accordingly, the person you approach with these sentiments feels disconnection, disrespect, mistrust, and a lack of safety. These feelings on the part of the listener seem to launch them into “self preservation” mode. In this mode, the listener will usually say or do whatever it takes to escape or avoid the anger and frustration which they perceive is being directed at them. Even worse, when they are in a state of apprehension, people are unable to fully comprehend the details or important aspects of the conversation that are required to resolve the current situation.

If approaching someone is a state of anger or frustration is so dysfunctional, why do we do it? For one thing, we may not be aware that we are even doing it. For another, part of the frustration that arises is because we have not received the results we desired or expected. When we are frustrated in this way, we often drive or push harder or more aggressively for what we failed to get in the first place. In the heat of the moment, this might seem like an effective approach—but this behavior usually does more to damage the relationship than to improve the results.

So what if you feel that the rapport thing is just “not you”? Can you “fake it until you make it”? Probably not. But if you consistently practice patience, ask questions, listen, formulate solutions together, and demonstrate respect for others; your attempts will begin to build rapport. Over time you will internalize the principles or behaviors that build rapport, respect, and trust.

It takes time and consistent practice because you are going to have to build a different perception of yourself in the mind of your listener to replace the current perspective that they may hold. This is not easy, and you will have to work hard to replace old perceptions. People will be wary and watching for the “old” you to reappear at any moment. You may slip up from time to time, but these regressions can be overcome with sincere apology. Then you will need to renew your commitments to the new behaviors you have begun to practice. Continued practice and consistency are the keys to the personal skill development that will help you build rapport and connection with others.

REAL conversations create results—not just any old results, but the results we actually want. These desirable results are always mutually beneficial to the participants in the conversation. When we hold REAL conversations, we achieve the desired results while at the same time increasing the rapport, respect, trust, and learning of everyone involved. The type of communication that creates REAL conversation is called dialogue.

The word dialogue comes from the Greek terms dia (meaning “through”) and logos (signifying “the meaning of the word”). Dialogue, then, is conversation where individuals come to understanding “through the meaning of the word.” The implication here is that everyone learns from the sharing of perspectives, ideas, and experiences. The meaning in the conversation is respectfully and authentically shared by everyone—not necessarily agreed upon, but shared and understood nonetheless.

Creating a REAL conversation requires four distinct skills or behaviors: Recognizing & Suspending, Expressing, Asking, and Listening & Attending. Using all of these behaviors in conversation creates the results we desire. Let’s take a moment to further define and explore each of these behaviors.

The Dialogue Model

Recognizing & Suspending is the ability to notice one’s thoughts and the resultant behaviors. After all, it is our thoughts, perceptions, interpretations, or paradigms that drive our behaviors! Simply taking a moment to notice our behaviors and the thoughts that drive them allows us the luxury of choice–we can recognize what is not working in a conversation and make a change! Recognition & Suspension requires a person to be both a participant and an observer in the conversation. The Suspension skill is the ability to momentarily set aside your thoughts, purpose, or agenda in order to hear and consider other points of view.

Expressing is sharing your points of view or your ideas. This is easier said than done! Sometimes we become so passionate or aggressive and thoroughly convinced that our own position or opinion is the right one that our delivery turns everyone else off. The challenge is to share or express ourselves in a way that invites cooperation and contribution by others.

Asking is the skill of inquiring and seeking to understand others in order to discover perspectives and possibilities from other points of view.

Listening & Attending requires that we not only listen to the words of a message, but that we also attend to what is being said. While we listen with our ears, we attend with our eyes, body, intuition, and heart. We really listen and attend with all of us! Listening & Attending is focused, non-judgmental, specific, and empathetic. These are skills that we practice with others in conversation. We also practice them on ourselves—we learn to listen to our own thoughts and feelings and how they impact our behavior and influence the behavior of others. As you can see, really listening and attending to others is not one of those skills where you can “fake it until you make it.” Listening skills must be practiced to be learned.

As the Dialogue model illustrates, all of these components are a part of creating REAL conversations. The skills of Expressing and Asking are “explicit” components in conversation—you can objectively see and experience ways in which people express their views and ask you questions. Recognizing & Suspending and Listening & Attending are the “tacit” components of the model. Although these elements are not directly visible, a person’s thinking and listening skills will influence the way they express their views and ask questions. The Dialogue model encompasses both the explicit and the tacit—both components are vital elements in creating REAL conversation.

Successfully using all of the skills of dialogue will go a long way toward establishing rapport, respect, trust, and candor. In short, using these skills will help you create the results you REAL-y want!

There was another title on the shelf that referred to “courageous conversations.” What if an individual didn’t have “courage”? I couldn’t determine if reading the book would create enough courage to face one’s fear and actually have the conversation. Finally, I came across Crucial Conversations. It dawned on me that not all conversations are “crucial,” yet they still may be extremely important, even though they are not fraught with “strong emotion” and “high stakes.” Outside the marketing hook of the title, I found something was missing. I was disappointed because the content mainly focused on the “explicit” aspect—the specific words used to make the conversation more effective—rather than the “tacit.” I found this to be true of the content in all the works I was reviewing.

Let me explain the difference between the “explicit” and the “tacit” aspects of conversation. Most of us are familiar with the illustration below that was drawn by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Leonardo Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man

He entitled this work the Vitruvian Man. In his drawing, Da Vinci used the circle and the square to represent the blending of science and art in considering the proportions of man. The square represents science, and the circle represents art. Effective conversations are what we refer to as REAL Conversations—a blend of science and of art: the explicit and the tacit. The explicit in a conversation is the form or the words of a conversation, while the tacit represents all the other elements of conversation. Some of the elements of conversation included in the tacit are:

• The assumptions that the individuals in the conversation make about each other

• The situation and the context in which the conversation occurs

• The intent or purpose for having the conversation

• The impact of emotion or defensiveness on the conversation

• The tempo or pace at which the message is actually delivered

• The influence of the brain’s protective-reactive mechanism

• The impact or status of the current relationships of those in the interaction

• Attention from the listening audience, or the lack thereof

• The respect that is exhibited non-verbally or visually during the conversation

• The message that is conveyed by the tone and inflection of the message

• The use of pauses in a conversation for emphasis or effect

• The differences of  interaction styles of those involved

• The mental models or different perceptions of each individual

I am sure you can think of even more tacit elements than the ones I listed. Bottom line: There is more going on that needs to be taken into account when holding a challenging conversation of any kind. Considering the impact tacit elements have on the effectiveness of any conversation, it is surprising to me how little emphasis was placed in the aforementioned book content that dealt with what really makes communication work. A deeper dive into understanding the tacit also helps us understand why the espoused methods in simplified recipes may not work.

Albert Mehrabian’s landmark communications study concluded only seven percent of communication is contained in the verbal message—in the explicit. Mehrabian stated that the remaining 93 percent of communication takes place through visual and vocal cues—the tacit. However, even Mehrabian omitted the mental aspects that impact conversation. Consequently, we will refer to effective conversations as REAL Conversations which blend both the explicit and the tacit to achieve desired results. We will be exploring not only the explicit elements, but also the tacit elements that need to be addressed to make your conversations work. We hope you will join us for the journey.

There have been so many requests from individuals asking me to make my information more available, I decided that I would start posting it here. There are so many situations that need improved communications, and I will do my best to share my ideas and thoughts with you here.

So, here we go…