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Sarcasm Signals Disagreement

April 20th, 2012

Q: I have a dear friend who seems to relish taking verbal “jabs” at me. Over the last couple of years, the number of his sarcastic comments has really increased. Probably because I have become more sensitive to my friend’s verbal assaults, I have started to notice that a couple of my teammates are using sarcastic comments in our meetings. Why all the sarcasm? Is there anything I can do about it?

A: “Sarcasm” was first defined in the 1500’s as meaning “to tear flesh, gnash the teeth, or speak bitterly.” In our day, sarcasm seems to be used for a variety of purposes and in various levels of intensity, ranging from humor to humiliation. When humor is used to poke fun at oneself, the effect is generally harmless. However, when someone uses sarcastic statements or humor as an attempt to humiliate or degrade another person, that behavior is inappropriate and hurtful.

When people use sarcasm, they are communicating contempt or disagreement with something another person is doing, thinking, or proposing. Think of sarcasm as a veiled attempt to show disagreement or displeasure.

Sarcasm is a mixed message where the words that are used convey one message, but the tone of voice, the eyes and gestures, and the inflection of the words in the sentence convey a different meaning. In sarcastic messages, the intent of the conversation is lost.

Suppose someone says, “Well, that’s a GREAT idea!” or “You sure gave that idea a lot of thought!”

On their face, the words in each sentence should imply admiration or praise for the person’s ideas or efforts. But depending on the tone of voice and body language the speaker uses, it could deliver a message that may be interpreted as: “That’s a stupid idea!” or “You didn’t think before you opened your mouth and removed all doubt!”

Recipients of sarcastic jabs usually understand loud and clear that the other party disagrees with them, but that is all that they understand clearly. The person’s real thoughts and feelings are left wide open to interpretation. And once the recipient has been offended by a negatively-interpreted sarcastic remark, they will usually either disengage or respond with sarcasm. The situation can quickly spiral downward from there. In this situation, neither party is likely to make the effort to get past the sarcasm and discover the real meaning.

It sounds like this is the situation between you and your friend.

I have often wondered why so many people use sarcasm. I believe that it is an effort—ultimately an ineffective one—to avoid accountability for stepping up and holding a potentially difficult conversation. It is almost as if sarcastic people believe that sarcasm gives them permission to be rude to others, as long as it can be labeled as “humor.”

Sarcasm is also used to avoid responsibility. For example, if you have ever asked someone to explain or justify their sarcastic comment, you may have heard them claim, “Oh, I was just kidding. Forget what I said.” Then they may continue being sarcastic about the same topic. This behavior tells clearly tells you that they really weren’t kidding—because the attacks continue.

In group settings, sarcasm is used to express disagreement, but it can also be used to recruit others to a particular way of thinking while at the same time demeaning the opposition and their position or ideas. For example, in a team meeting someone might sarcastically comment, “This is what we really signed up for, isn’t it? Let’s move on!”

When a person makes a statement like this, he or she is really trying to recruit the group as a type of social constraint. In other words, when the group responds with laughter and implied agreement to the sarcastic comment, the presumption is that the target will be either isolated or intimidated enough by the group that they will not respond further for fear of looking bad or stupid. Obviously, when the person with the dissenting opinion is cowed by sarcasm, then the specifics of the disagreement go unexplored, which not only hurts the group’s efforts, but also ultimately makes the person look bad. In reality, this is a subversive tactic that creates a hurdle few stalwart souls know how to overcome.

One-on-One

Try any one or all of the following strategies to deal with sarcastic individuals.

Call them on their behavior.Share the data, your interpretation of the data, and ask for more information. It might sound like this:

“I noticed you offered a sarcastic comment (Data)."
"I’m thinking you don’t agree with something I’ve said (Interpretation). What’s up?”
“Do you disagree with my idea?”
“Do you have a better idea for solving this challenge?”

Ask “guessing” questions. Ask questions that can be answered with a “yes” or “no” response. For example:

Notice that these questions offer the individual an easy entrance into a difficult conversation that they may not know how to begin.

Wait and watch. If you get the brush-off (“Oh, it’s nothing!”), then wait and watch for them to repeat their sarcasm. When they do, call them on their behavior and try to uncover the source of the sarcasm by asking questions to understand what they are really thinking and feeling.

Express your feelings. Tell your friend how you feel when he makes sarcastic remarks. Share your feelings followed by the thinking that created them. For example,

“When you say____, I feel hurt (feeling) because I thought we were good enough friends that you could openly disagree with me. What is going on?”

Establish that your current relationship with the person is what is most important to you and that you want to understand what they are thinking. Also, don’t hesitate to request that they simply stop using sarcastic behavior.

In Group Settings

When an individual uses sarcasm in a group setting to express disagreement, try these strategies:

Call them on their statement. Use the same sequence listed above when dealing with an individual one-on-one. They will probably dismiss or deny their remark to squirm away from the fact that you just turned the spotlight back on them.

Use the group dynamic. Turn the disagreement over to the group rather than defending it yourself. Use questions to get the group involved. For example,

“Does anyone disagree with the course we are pursuing?”
“Do you all agree with this approach?”

If the group agrees, then focus on the sarcastic individual and summarize as follows:

“We all seem to agree with this course of action. Is there anything you’d like to add?”

If they are brave enough to disagree, then explore their thinking and facilitate a discussion that will result in a benefit to everyone.

NOTE: Even if the person uses the sarcastic comments to make a good or valid point, don't agree with them. This gives them permission to continue making sarcastic comments. No matter what you personally think, turn the conversation over to the team or group and let them decide the value of the comments or issues that have been raised.

Focus on the Big Picture. Share your commitment to do what is best and what is right and solicit everyone’s input. For example,

“I am committed to this project, our group, and the company. Is this the course we want to follow?”

If the answer is “yes,” then move on, and know that after you have done this you probably won’t be the focal point of others’ sarcastic remarks in the future.

Request a change in behavior. Privately, approach the sarcastic individual and affirm your commitment to the project, to the team, and to the company. Then invite the person to openly share their ideas with the group, rather than make general sarcastic remarks which do nothing to create or promote clarity.

In addition to the motivations mentioned above, some research suggests that people use sarcasm as an attempt to establish their superiority or affirm their superior intellectual capacity. What we can agree on, however, is that sarcasm is an attempt to “put-down” someone by making them the focal point of a verbal jab. Hopefully, we can all be more sensitive to others and approach our disagreements in a more productive and respectful manner. I hope these suggestions are helpful.

Good Luck!

How Can I Discover the Source of My Anger?

March 13th, 2012

Q: I am the person that you wrote about last month! My children and my spouse have told me that I am always angry. When I have asked for examples, they have told me that I am “too direct, too blunt, and cold.” I really didn’t accept what they were saying until some of my close associates at work started asking why I am so upset all the time. Finally I’ve had to admit that I need to listen to their feedback and begin to believe them. How can I learn about the source of my anger? And is there some way that I can reduce the anger I am displaying?

A: First, I applaud you for your commitment to improve the way that you communicate and interact with others. Second, you need to decide if you are truly angry. This will require that you become more self-aware by watching yourself and how others respond to you. For example, if you notice that the person you are talking to is displaying aggressive gestures or using a caustic tone, you ought to take a look at your own gestures and tone. Often people reflect back what we reflect to them. How people respond to you can tell you a lot about how you are coming across and your own style of communication. Finally, if you can catch yourself becoming emotional, the emotions you feel signal that there is something going on in your head. Your challenge is to uncover how your thinking is driving your behavior.

Being able to recognize how you communicate with others has a lot to do with your particular style or the way in which you think and interpret the behavior of others. The context in which you find yourself may also impact your interactions. Let’s talk about your communication style and the impact of your thinking, and then I’ll offer some strategies to help you.

Checking Your Style

There are four distinct “interaction” styles that encompass the visual, vocal, verbal, and mental aspects of communication. One of these styles, the Initiator, is focused on achieving results and action. A person with this style tends to be direct and blunt. They are precise and concise in how they deliver a message. This style shows little emotion unless someone has failed them in some way, and then the Initiator will anger quite easily. People of this style are frustrated by others who want a million questions answered before they decide anything; by those who want to make a personal connection or talk about personal issues before getting down to talking about tasks; or those who have lots of great ideas but can never completely implement or execute any of them. If this describes your style, then the other people in your life are probably misinterpreting these characteristics of your style as anger.

Checking Your Thinking

Another component that contributes to how we interact—even more than our style—is our thinking—the way we interpret a situation and how our perception drives our behavior. From the time that we were very young, our brains have been selecting bits and pieces of data and making interpretations. Together, these make up the sum total of our life experience. Unfortunately, the unconscious and subconscious parts of our brains also make assessments and cause us to react in ways that will ensure our self-preservation. These reactions are often accompanied by an emotional response. Consequently, when we recognize that we are feeling an emotional reaction, we can be sure that somewhere behind what we are saying and doing there is a thought that triggered that reaction. This whole process occurs so quickly that we are usually unaware of what we are even thinking in that moment. In other words, our thoughts and emotions “have us,” we don’t have them.

From reading the previous blog, you will remember that anger is a secondary emotion because it usually follows another, primary emotion. The primary emotions might be fear, disappointment, frustration, rejection, or embarrassment. Outside your consciousness, your brain is interpreting what you are experiencing as a potential loss. For example, let’s say someone at work breaks a commitment to complete a document by a certain time. You are frustrated by their failure to keep their commitment to give you what they promised, and you may be afraid that your manager will call you to task for the other person’s poor performance. In a millisecond, your brain tells you something like this: “The only way to get results is to yell at him. Go for it! Let him have it.” So you do, with all the fury you can muster. Your frustration and fear are masked by the anger you end up expressing at the person’s failure.

So how do you gain control to the point that you can maintain your composure and get past your emotion to discover your thoughts? It is a skill you can learn, but you have to work at it. Start by examining your thinking.

Here are some strategies you will find useful.

Uncover Your Thinking. Use the “SOS” skill that you learned in the DialogueWORKS course to surface your thinking.
- State the emotion– “I am angry.”
- Observe your thinking– “I’m angry because…” (Finish the sentence.)
- Select the positiveby answering the question: “What explains this behavior in a positive light?”

You will remember we used this skill to force ourselves to think differently. We also learned that changing our thinking changes our feelings. It is important for you to finish the “I’m angry because…” statement as many times as you can. Try finishing it 100 times and write it down so you can see your responses. This is a wonderful exercise that will help you to see what is really going on in your thought processes.

Here are some other sentences you might try finishing 100 times:

“I feel afraid (threatened, embarrassed, rejected, or disappointed) because…”

“I feel angry because I have lost…”

“I (want, value, or need)…”

Why do this? Answering questions like these allows you to look at your thinking and assess whether it is accurate or not. You will be surprised at how incomplete or inaccurate your thinking actually is. Once you have recognized the flaws in your thinking, you are free to gather additional data and formulate new realities. Doing this will reduce the degree of emotion you experience the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.

See Yourself. Be conscious of your behavior and how you deliver your message. If you notice you are gesturing emphatically, calm your gestures. If your tone is harsh and demanding, then soften your tone. If you notice that you are speaking loudly, then lower your volume. You even might select a respected other to provide you with feedback on how you are progressing. Enroll someone to help you see yourself.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think. Just because you think something doesn’t make it so. We are quick to make “snap judgments.” If you find that you are about to explode emotionally, take a breath, engage your head, and challenge your thinking. If you can’t get control of yourself, then excuse yourself and go finish some sentences:

“I’m angry because….”
Or
“I’m feeling this way because I wanted ….”

Be Patient. Doing this type of internal work takes time, but it will help you to improve the way you communicate—particularly in stressful situations. Being able to release your pent-up feelings and to surface the thinking behind your emotions is tremendously liberating. Doing this type of personal work also creates a space for other things to come into your life—increased respect, improved relationships, enhanced engagement, as well as more candor and openness.

Becoming more self-aware, making adjustments and learning to challenge your thinking will go a long way towards improving your conversations. As a friend once said to me, “You can get angry and yell at people all you want, but remember, it never works and it usually drives people away.”

Recognizing how you come across and what you are thinking is a challenge we all should improve on if we want to hold conversations that work.

Why Are Some People Always Angry?

February 14th, 2012

Q: I have a manager who is always angry. She gets angry when I do as she has asked. She gets angry when I don’t do as she has asked. It seems like she is always angry at everyone all the time. Everyone on our team goes to great lengths to avoid her. In fact, the first thing we do every morning is assess the level of her irritation before the day gets under way. Why are some people always angry, and is there anything you recommend that would help the situation?

A: Let’s take a moment to define “anger.” Anger is an emotion that usually arises because of an individual’s perceived loss. Their perceived loss results from something someone did that in their mind is unfair or unwarranted. What is so interesting about anger is that anger is a secondary emotion that serves to veil our more vulnerable emotions—what we feel first.

To state it more formally, our perception of loss creates our emotions either because of the way we interact with others or because of the way we perceive ourselves.

Interacting with Others

The perception of loss we experience in dealing with others gives rise to five primary emotions. Primary emotions that might be expressed outwardly as anger are:

Frustration
Embarrassment
Disappointment
Fear
Rejection

Let’s define each primary emotion and give you a verbal cue which may help you recognize which primary emotion is behind the anger.

Frustration occurs because of violated expectations, broken promises, or commitments surrounding performance issues. You know that expectations are at issue when you hear,

“Your failure to meet the deadline cost us the contract.”

Embarrassment results from an attack on someone’s person. Such an attack is made worse if it is made in front of others. You will know an attack has occurred if you hear,

“She actually insulted me in front of the entire team.”

Disappointment arises from the loss of an anticipated gain. When anticipation collides unhappily with reality, you might hear,

“After we responded to all their nitpicky requests, you’re telling me that they still didn’t accept our proposal?”

Fear results when the actions of others threaten our security or safety. Safety is at issue when you hear the following:

“That jerk nearly hit the front of our car and killed us!”

A feeling of Rejection may arise when someone says or does something that negates or invalidates the way we think or perform. For example, if a person values personal autonomy in doing their work, a value violation might sound like this:

“It drives me crazy when he stands over my shoulder and constantly tells me what to do!”

Any time an individual feels frustrated, embarrassed, disappointed, afraid, or rejected, that primary emotion may look like anger. This display of anger emotion results because the individual perceives the loss of a value.

Perception of Self

Sometimes, our perception of ourselves creates an emotion that is expressed by anger. I believe that sometimes leaders are actually angry at themselves when they are outwardly expressing hostile feelings. Maybe your manager is angry because she failed to foresee the challenges that would arise when she asked you to accomplish a task. Perhaps she’s angry because she failed to share her expectations clearly, and her lack of clarity showed up in your results. Unfortunately, you as the employee end up catching the brunt of her anger. You may even take her anger personally, as you interpret yourself to be at fault. In many cases, a manager’s blame takes the place of personal responsibility.

Before offering some strategies for dealing with anger, remember that anger is an emotion or Energy in motion. Because we all generate energy, we are also containers or vessels of energy—which we call emotion. We either fill up our vessels or we allow others to fill up our vessels for us.

We know that your manager is filled with the energy of emotion, but we don’t know if that emotion is being generated by her or if someone else is dumping it on her. What we can confidently say, however, is that her vessel is full and that she is dumping or spewing its contents—her anger—on everyone around her. Unfortunately, her emotional energy pushes people away; no one likes to be around a person who is “always angry.” Your manager’s emotional state keeps her from connecting with and understanding—and being understood by—others.

Here are some strategies you might try.

Don’t take it personally. Remember that a person’s emotion says more about them than it does about you. Why? Their emotion is product of a their perception. Recognize that there is something going on in the person’s head that is driving the emotion. That something is what you want to discover. Asking questions is a great way to begin.

Acknowledge their feelings. Acknowledging a person’s feelings has the effect of reducing the emotional energy they are displaying. Use any of the following phrases:

“I can see you’re upset.”

“I can see you have strong feelings about…”

“I can see this means a lot to you.”

Ask questions to understand. After acknowledging a person’s feelings, follow up with an open-ended question.

“I can see you’re upset (Emotion). What’s going on?”

Listen for what is wanted. If you ask enough questions, they should tell you their story. Embedded in their story is information about what they wanted and didn’t get—their values. Don’t hesitate to ask questions to clarify what they wanted if you are in doubt. Remember that when a person has a negative complaint, it is really their expression of a positive value.

Look for opportunities to affirm a person’s values. Once you know what is important to a person, don’t hesitate to sincerely affirm the person’s value. For example, if your manager really values serving your customers, you would look for an opportunity to say something like this:

“I also appreciate the importance of serving our customers well. Can we
talk about how we can do that better?”

Notice that once we affirmed their value, we shifted the conversation to addressing the current challenge. This focuses the conversation on making vital improvements.

Look for opportunities to share appreciation. Look for opportunities to recognize what your manager does well and recognize that gossiping and complaining about her conduct behind her back does not help the situation. Engaging in that type of behavior generates an energy all its own that your manager picks up on, and it will often make the situation worse.

Dealing with emotion is a fascinating topic. I hope you recognize that a person’s outward emotion—anger—is really a signal of a person’s perception of loss. The challenge is to defuse the emotion, identify their perceived loss, and create a plan of action to address the challenge. In other words, the challenge is to find a way to work together effectively.

Best of luck!

Handling a Criticizer

January 17th, 2012

Q: I am a team leader, and I have an individual on my team that I wish would keep his mouth shut. He is constantly making snide remarks about his teammates or openly criticizing their performance. When he does this, there is always an awkward silence followed by less engagement and participation afterward. It’s like he wants to show that he is Mr. Know-it-all. What would you do in this situation?

A: Unfortunately this is a common occurrence on many teams. Failing to address the situation will continue to impact collaboration and erode teamwork, and may even work to undermine your creditability as the team leader. Bottom line—such individuals can hinder the success of the team.

Before I offer some suggestions, notice the impact this individual’s behavior is having on respect, relationships, and results. It is almost certain that the rest of the team does not respect him, and his comments may even lead to lack of respect for the person he is criticizing. It is likely that people avoid being in relationship with him because of what it might cost them: “If he would attack her, he might attack me.” I bet that the other team members probably avoid dealing with him whenever possible. Finally, his behavior is impeding the desired results because of its impact on the group’s dynamics. Here are some actions that you need to take immediately.

Check Your Group Ground Rules

In order to hold effective team meetings, you and your team need to create a list of rules that govern the conduct of the team. These rules should address such issues as meeting times, agendas, talking turns, decision-making and problem-solving strategies, and individual behavior. Everyone should participate in creating these ground rules and everyone should agree to them. Ground rules give everyone permission to hold the group accountable for individual misconduct.

Step Up and Speak Up

Group ground rules should help everyone to step up and speak up. If they don’t, then you, as the team leader, must set the example. The challenge in this situation is in determining what you should do in the moment and what actions should be taken after the meeting is over. Say, for example, that an incident of bad behavior occurs during a meeting. In the moment, you will want to refocus the group’s attention and efforts on the task at hand. After the meeting is over, you will want to hold a private conversation with the individual who is causing problems.

Refocus the Group’s Attention

When this individual attacks or criticizes someone, move the group’s attention off of the person and back onto the process. It might sound like this:

“I’d like to focus our attention on what happened from the perspective of improving how we’ll handle this situation differently in the future. Can we do that now?”

Notice that this statement ends in a question to increase the engagement of the group on that activity. In a respectful way, this signals to the individual and the group that criticism and belittling of an individual is inappropriate behavior in a team setting.

Hold the Tough Conversation

In a private setting, you want to provide constructive feedback to the individual who attacked one of his teammates. You will want to use the DialogueWORKS Process for holding the conversation. (In fact, we highly recommend that you review the conversational recipe “Addressing Inappropriate Behavior” on our site.)

Focus the conversation on helping the offending individual recognize how his behavior is impacting the person he attacked as well as the rest of the group. Specifically point out the team’s response to his critical remark. He may not be particularly observant in recognizing the impact of his behavior on the group, so you must be prepared to offer specific data points or examples of what happened.

Don’t be surprised at this individual’s lack of awareness—most of us are challenged to see ourselves as we are seen. This particular teammate is likely oblivious to the impact his behavior is having. I recently had an event participant ask me if my hair was really real. Somewhat surprised, I assured them that it is (thankfully!).

Finally, you might also ask this individual to do some self-reflection about why he seemingly feels the need to engage in this type of attacking or critical behavior.

Sum it All Up

To end your conversation, you need to explain that these outbursts or attacks are unacceptable and will not be tolerated in the future. Clearly lay out the consequences of noncompliance if there is not a change in how he interacts with his team members. Of course, this is easy to do if this person reports to you.

If he does not report to you, then this conversation will need to be about influencing him to take a more positive approach to add value to the team’s efforts. Help him to understand the value of his cooperation, contribution, and collaboration in achieving the team’s goals and objectives. Be clear that it is fine to critique or analyze processes, procedures, and outcomes, but that debasing or criticizing an individual is completely unacceptable.

Best wishes in speaking with Mr. Know-it-all.

The Gift of Ourselves

December 21st, 2011

I was dashing through the Atlanta airport to catch a flight out West. When I finally arrived at my gate and had a moment to pause, I started to notice what was happening around me. People were hiding behind their newspapers, texting on their smartphones, or standing shoulder to shoulder like a mass of penguins. I was shocked by how few people were actually talking and connecting with those around them. I thought, “Certainly on Thanksgiving weekend, people would show a little more cheer.” Little did I know, I would soon have an opportunity to connect with another person.

I boarded the plane and found my middle seat. Soon an elderly woman seated herself on the aisle. Then the announcement was made that the plane doors were closing in preparation for take off. No one had claimed the window seat. There would be plenty of room to relax and spread out a little.

Wrong! At the last moment, a short, stout woman forced her way over our legs and landed in the window seat. I was shocked that the woman was holding a fairly large poodle in her arms. The dog tried to get away from her by bounding into my lap. It licked at my face and hands and even nipped my jacket as the woman wrestled the dog back onto her lap. What was even worse is that the dog smelled like it hadn’t had a bath since it had been born. “How will I ever stand four hours of this?” I angrily wondered to myself. It was then I noticed that the poodle was wearing a vest that had the words “Emotional Support Animal” embroidered on the back. I guess I must have had a bewildered look on my face because as I looked up, the flight attendant motioned me toward the galley.

“I am sorry,” she started. “People can get a note from their doctor which allows them to bring their dog, cat, or monkey on the plane. I don’t have another seat to move you to because this flight is full. If you aren’t willing to sit in your seat, I will have to take you off the plane. What would you like to do?” she asked.

“I’ll stay,” I replied.

“Just know that she has to hold the dog in her lap. She can’t put it down on the floor, walk it, or let it bother you,” she explained.

I chuckled sarcastically. “Right!”

As I returned to my seat, I was mad at the airline, the flight attendant, and the woman with the dog. Yes, I had an attitude problem.

I started to think about what I had seen in the airport. I remembered all the people who were engaged in avoidance and isolation behavior--no one reaching out, talking, or connecting with others. No one had been willing to give the Gift of Themselves. I thought how sad it was that this woman needed an animal when people surrounded her. Still, it took me at least an hour to love this woman and her dog, and change my attitude toward them.

During this holiday season we should remember others and give them the Gift of Ourselves by taking a moment to connect. It takes so little effort to smile at others and to speak to them while waiting in a line somewhere. Or you might make the effort to express heartfelt appreciation to those you work with. You could visit a widow, take a flower to an elderly person, read to a child, get down on the floor and actually play with your children, or tell your spouse or other family members how much you love them.

There are many opportunities to reach out and connect with other human beings. If you take or create the occasion to do so, I know that it will bring joy and satisfaction to you and to others.

May you have a wonderful holiday season as you give the Gift of Yourself.

Best Wishes!

John R. Stoker

Late Again?!

December 2nd, 2011

Q: I am a Nurse Supervisor, and I frequently have a nurse who shows up late for her shift. I haven’t said much to her about her behavior other than, “You were late today.” I have received a cross look or two, but she rarely says anything. What is frustrating for me is that I never know who is going to be late or who isn’t going to show up. If we are short-handed, then I am forced to call in other resources to cover the patients in our unit. What should I do?

A: First, you need to realize that if you don’t call people on their poor performance, being silent is the same as saying, “Whatever you’re doing is no big deal!” If you let current performance persist, you will continue to get the same result. To make matters worse, if this nurse continues to get away with what she is doing, her behavior sends the message that others have permission to do the same. Or even worse yet, other nurses will question your leadership because of your unwillingness to address the problem. Here are some suggestions to improve the situation.

Address the Issue

You have to address individual performance with the individual. When you can take a moment, hold a conversation with the offending party in private.

Prepare Ahead of Time

Review the DialogueWORKS framework, identify the facts you will share and the interpretation youcare to test. For example, you may choose to begin with something like this:

“I noticed that today and Friday you arrived between 8 and 9:30 a.m. (Facts.) I’m thinking that there are some challenging priorities you are facing. (Interpretation.) What is going on? (Question.)”

What is most important is that you offer a non-threatening space for people to talk about what is happening. Remember, “put-downs lead to shut-downs.” It is difficult to create a solution to a problem if the other person won’t engage or becomes defensive. Allowing the person to explain their side of the story helps you to know what you need to address specifically.

Share a Positive Interpretation

When a person doesn’tperform as expected, we are often quick to assume the worst about their behavior—that they are lazy or inept, or both. You need to recognize that a person’s positive intent goes obscured by your negative assumptions or interpretations about their behavior. To identify a positive intent for a person’s behavior, you might find it helpful to assign a positive intent to the individual’s behavior. Use these questions to expand your thinking:

"What would explain such behavior in a positive light?"

“How might I interpret such behavior positively?”

“What positive intent would explain their behavior?”

Notice how you might suspend a negative assumption by assigning a positive assumption.

Negative Assumption	Positive Assumption
“My boss is an insensitive jerk because he is always cutting me off.”	“My boss is excited to share his views.”
“My manager is an overbearing micromanager.”	“My manager goes out of her way to provide support and assistance.”

Notice the difference in tone that these positive assumptions deliver.

Don’t worry about creating a positive assumption that may not be true. What is important is that your delivery of the message is positive so that the conversation will continue. You will have the opportunity to establish increased accountability before you are through. What is important is that you move past your interpretation by asking questions that will increase your understanding.

Motivate with Consequences

Many believe that people are more motivated by sharing negative consequences rather than positive consequences. The only time I have found sharing negative consequences to be useful is when you want to be perfectly clear about what negative consequences will follow from continuing poor performance. Otherwise, I have found sharing positive consequences and expectations to be more powerful. Notice the difference:

Negative Consequences

“When you are late, everyone becomes frustrated and irritated because they have to do your work. They also worry about not providing adequate patient care.”

Positive Consequences

“When you are here on time, everyone feels more like a team knowing they can count on one another to do their own work. We are also confident that our patients will receive the attention and care they need.”

Notice that framing the situation positively allows the individual to clearly understand how their behavior contributes to a specific, positive outcome.

Identify a Plan

After asking sufficient questions to understand the reasons for nonperformance, ask the individual to identify what they will do differently. This allows the individual to create a plan that increases their buy-in to achieve the desired outcome. However, if creating a viable plan is outside the expertise of the individual, you must be prepared to teach, mentor, and coach an individual who may not know what to do to improve their performance.

Being able to successfully address individual performance issues, such as being late, will not only improve individual commitment but also increase productivity. Remember that individuals are more inspired by the value of their contribution rather than how their behavior detracts from the enterprise. The key is to hold a conversation that increases respect, builds the existing relationship, and achieves the desired results.

"Outside" vs. "Inside" the Conversation

October 14th, 2011

Q: Sometimes difficult situations arise unexpectedly and there doesn’t seem to be time to think through how to use the DialogueWORKS framework. In other words, when I am “outside” the conversation I have time to prepare what I want to say and how I want to say it, but when I am “inside” the conversation, things seem to happen too quickly. How can I become more effective at holding a difficult or emotional conversation when I am “inside” the conversation?

A: What a great question! Taking the time to prepare for a difficult conversation vastly increases the likelihood that the outcome will be positive. But as you realize, the real challenge of your skills occurs when you are confronted spontaneously with a challenging situation. Here are a few suggestions that will help you when you find yourself “inside” a challenging conversation.

Internalize the DialogueWORKS Framework

Right now, while you are still outside the conversation, internalize the process: Initiate, Discover, Connect, and Build. Know what happens in each phase of the model. Remember that in Initiation you share facts and interpretations, and in Discovery you ask questions to increase your understanding. In the Connection phase you summarize values and expectations. Then you finish the conversation in the Building phase, where you agree upon a plan and gain commitment. Once you have internalized this framework, you will always know where you are in the conversation and where you want to go next.

Listen for the Facts

Difficult conversations that occur unexpectedly often tend to begin with some kind of accusation:

“You never get this right!”

“I can’t count on you for anything!”

“Are you just stupid or what?!”

Notice that these criticisms, judgments, or inflammatory statements are all interpretations. The speaker has assigned some meaning—their own interpretation—to whatever facts actually exists. In order to resolve the situation, you will want to ask questions that uncover the facts. You might use questions like these:

“Give me an example of…”

“Tell me specifically what I did…”

“Review for me….”

Remember that you are listening for the facts. If you don’t hear facts, keep asking questions until you know what the other person observed or experienced and what has formed the basis of the judgment they are laying at your feet.

Reflect Emotion

If the person is defensive or emotional, reflect their emotion and then follow with a question. For example:

“I can see you’re upset (reflect). What is going on?”

Remember that a person’s emotion masks or hides what is really going on in their head. When you reflect a person’s emotion back to them, it actually lessens their emotional state. In other words, they become less angry or upset. When the emotion itself subsides, it becomes possible to explore what is really at the heart of the issue.

Interestingly, studies have shown that asking “thinking” questions after reflecting emotion turns on a different part of the brain and switches off the part of the brain that is giving energy to the emotional state. Asking questions is one of the simplest ways to defuse emotional reaction within ourselves and others. Luckily we humans have the ability to activate different thinking pathways in the brain by making a deliberate effort to do so.

Summarize What You Have Heard

Once you believe that you have heard and comprehended what the person has said, summarize to them what you have understood. Don’t worry about being wrong; if you have misunderstood, the person will likely correct you, and they will appreciate the attempt you are making to clearly understand their perspective.

Build a Plan

Once you have reached the point where you both understand the issue, work together to create a plan that will fix the problem or address the upsetting behavior. Be clear about expectations regarding who will do what by when or about which behaviors you need to stop, start, or continue in order for you both to achieve the desired results.

Notice that the points above incorporate all four aspects: Initiate Discover, Connect, and Build. It is very, very important that you get the DialogueWORKS framework for holding conversations firmly in your head. You need to practice the framework and the skills that are encompassed by it every day. If you do, you will find that it doesn’t matter if you are “outside” or “inside” the conversation—you will always know what to do and where to go to make your conversations really WORK.

Managing Your Boss's Negativity

May 27th, 2011

Q: I really liked the last blog you posted in April because that situation has happened to me as well. However, my manager is so negative and defensive that I am afraid if I shared, “I did what you asked me to do,” I would create more defensiveness that would result in increased conflict. What can I do to reduce this person’s negative energy and create a viable solution that will improve results?

A: Unfortunately, many individuals are often negative or always seem to be defensive; every situation is always the “worst” it can possibly be. We all know people like this. We also know that we don’t like being around them because of the effect they have. Sometimes when these individuals walk into a room, you can hear a giant sucking sound as all the positive energy is pulled out of the room. The conversation then seems to disintegrate from there.

Knowing that this is a difficult situation, taking the initiative to manage the conversation will insure a more satisfactory outcome. Here are some suggestions:

Be positive. Don’t allow the person’s negative energy to pull you down. A person’s negativity or defensiveness says more about them than it does about you. Realize that some people live in the “protective-reactive” part of their brain. Consequently, they are always taking what is said or done in the worst possible way. It’s how they see the world as unfortunate as that may be.

Try to think or to find a positive about them that you hold in your consciousness. Because we all exude energy that others pickup on, you can project a positive energy that will lift the conversation.

Use the DialogueWORKS framework to initiate, discover, connect and build to prepare and hold the conversation.

Initiate by offering to create a solution. You may acknowledge the situation by sharing the facts and your interpretation of the facts. It might sound like this:

      “I recognize that we overran the budget in completing this project (data). I’m
      wondering if there are some steps we need to take that will improve our
      performance in the future (interpretation).”

Notice that the interpretation in the last sentence points to creating improved results. A positive approach far outweighs meeting an individual’s defensiveness with your own resistance and defensiveness.

If they try to blame you for the outcome, stay positive and continue to move the conversation to improving your processes and improving results. Refuse to get pulled into playing the “blame game.”

Discover by asking questions. In the Discovery phase of the conversation, ask a number of questions that will help you and them gain increased clarity about the situation. Consider any of the following:

      “Could you help me understand the challenges we are facing?”

      “What concerns do you have?”

      “What would you have preferred we do to keep the project budget in line with
       your expectations?”

      “What would you like me to do next time when I know that we are running into
       challenges?”

Notice that these questions not only provide you with additional information, but they also allow your manager to clarify their thinking. The reason this is important is because sometimes we believe we’re being clear, and then we find out too late that we were misinterpreted.

Connect with their purpose. Asking a number of questions should allow you to connect your performance to their original intent and to identify a new or different need. Once you believe you have understood, summarize your thinking and ask them to connect on your understanding. It might sound like this:

“So you wanted… and I wanted… Is that correct?”

Build a solution. Once you have established an understanding of the challenges, you are ready to create a solution. Ask for your manager’s ideas and offer your own ideas. Together, agree upon a process that will improve the outcome next time around. Your focus should be to improve the process.

Using this conversation recipe may seem counterintuitive. After all, when we are attacked or blamed, our natural response is to “attack back.” Using the dialogue framework allows you to avoid the blame game and move to a more effective resolution of the problem.

Also, notice that nowhere in this exchange are you acknowledging any type of nonperformance on your part. You are simply being positive and moving the conversation toward improvement. Such improvement will increase your capability to perform while making your manager a star with his or her manager and increasing the benefits to your company.

Defensiveness does not create an effective solution. Take the initiative to create a positive outcome and you will not be disappointed.

Don't Blame Me!

April 13th, 2011

Q: “I am in marketing and I design marketing campaigns for major corporations. My boss recently asked me to design a campaign in six weeks that should have taken three months. After completing the project on time, my manager, director, and vice president want to blame me for running over budget. It seems that when they lowered their bid on the campaign, they forgot to reduce the scope of the project. Consequently, we had to meet the client’s demands at a lower price. My supervisors have called a meeting with me next week, and I am guessing they are going to blame me for the budget overrun. What should I say or do?”

A: To begin with, if this is a major project with a cost overrun, someone in accounting is concerned and wants answers. Luckily there are a number of things you can do so this turns out well for you and your company.

Give the Benefit of the Doubt

If you have no data for the topic of the meeting, don’t assume that they are going to blame you for the budget overrun. If you approach them from the perspective of defensiveness, you may end up creating defensiveness in them as well. Remember that what begins well usually ends well. Assume positive intent.

Prepare the Facts

On the other hand, let’s assume that they are intending to blame you in the meeting. You will need to have prepared or assembled any instructions or parameters of the project that were communicated to you. Hopefully, you have some form of email or other documentation that was given as instructions for completion of the project, either by management or the client.

No matter what you are accused of, all you need to say is, “I did exactly as you asked.” If individuals try to blame various cost overruns on you, just keep repeating, “I did exactly as you asked.”

If you have the appropriate documentation, you could spice things up a bit by stating, “I keep really good records because it is important to me to meet both the management’s and client’s requirements. As you can see by this email dated _____, I was asked to do ______ and that’s exactly what I did.”

End of story! Have the supporting facts.

Prepare for the Future

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon that others get blamed for doing exactly what they were asked to do. If you think this may happen in the future, then you must always be prepared by doing whatever you may need to do such as having clearly documented instructions and agreed upon guidelines for all the work you do. Having documentation will help you avoid the potential of blame and false accusation in the future.

Don’t Offer Advice

At no time in the conversation should you offer advice. For example, you wouldn’t want to say, “Well, you could have saved money if you had asked me to…” or “You should have known that the client would have expanded the scope of the project, so you should have just said ‘No!’” Making such statements is blaming them for what they did or didn’t do. This kind of blame is the equivalent of saying, “If you weren’t so stupid, we wouldn’t be in this mess!” Blaming them, even if they are at fault, doesn’t solve anything so just smile and keep it simple.

Offer Support

Take the initiative to ask questions and to identify together issues and responsibilities that would help future projects go more smoothly and come in under budget. Be open to any suggestions that they may offer and clarify anything they have asked you to do differently in the future. You might also put such agreements in an email to manage expectations and to document your agreement. Offer support by asking questions and clarifying future expectations.

Plan to Succeed

If this is a project that is assigned with a shortened deadline, planning efficiently will always be crucial to your success. Going forward be sure that everyone that will be involved in the project has input in creating a concrete, agreed upon plan that can be executed. Although it seems like common sense, it is amazing how easy it is to overlook the involvement of others in the creation of a workable plan. Make a plan to succeed with everyone’s input.

Clarify Their Thinking

Some individuals think faster than they actually speak. This behavior is the function of their interaction style—the way they think and speak to others. Thinking faster than speaking results in the individual believing that they have communicated their thoughts accurately when the reverse is true. Ask clarifying questions to solidify and identify expectations and don’t be surprised if you hear something that wasn’t communicated originally. Don’t assume anything, but instead ask questions to clarify.

No one is perfect, and only you are in control of you. If you can always assume positive intent, prepare supporting facts, keep your statements simple, avoid giving advice, offer support, plan to succeed, and clarify their thinking, you can increase the likelihood of a successful project. More importantly, you will be able to avoid all the emotional “drama” and blame that usually are present where people attempt to cover their tracks and avoid responsibility.

Throwing Things

February 24th, 2011

Q: "I am a nurse in the O.R. at a local hospital. At times, out of frustration, certain physicians will throw things at us during surgery—soiled sponges, gauze, and sometimes even instruments. Our hospital has a motto of being 'Physician Friendly,' and yet our greatest asset is our people—all of our people—and the respect that we demonstrate to each other. How do I hold a difficult conversation about this behavior 'on the fly?'"

A: There are really two conversations that need to be held in this situation: a conversation about emotions and an expectations conversation.

The Emotional Conversation

When someone demonstrates defensive or reactionary behavior, remember that their behavior and emotion say more about them than about you. Behind a behavior like this is a violated expectation or personal value. When surgeons act out in this way, it might be that they are attempting to achieve or “get” something they want.

The problem is that this “attacking” behavior usually creates defensiveness in people who are on the receiving end. In an emotional state like this, neither party is thinking rationally. The physician, who is angry, thinks that belittling the nurse will motivate a change in the nurse’s behavior. Wrong! The nurse is probably thinking defensively, having thoughts like these: “What did I do wrong this time?!” or “I wonder if I’ll be able to keep my job.” Whatever they are actually thinking, it is clear that neither party is giving full attention to the patient on the table.

Try these tips to restore rationality to the situation.

Don’t become defensive. Ask yourself questions that will help you stay engaged. Try questions like these:

“What did the doctor expect me to do?”
“What does the surgeon want?”
“What is the physician thinking?”

Ask questions. When people are emotional or defensive they are not in a “thinking” place in their head. Asking people questions that require them to think in order to answer helps to restore their rationality. Try asking the offending physician these questions:

“What do you want me to do?”
“What is most important right now?”

Don’t get hooked if you get a nasty response like one of these:

                        “Well you should know!”
                        “If I have to tell you, then you shouldn’t be here!”
                        “I’ve told you before. Don’t you listen?”

Ignore these accusations and criticisms, and ask the questions again until you see rationality return and you get a viable answer.

Ask, Ask, Ask!

The only thing you need to remember “on the fly” is to ask questions that will increase your understanding and thus improve the situation.

The Expectations Conversation

Once the procedure in the O.R. is over and a patient’s well-being is no longer at stake, it’s time to talk about what happened. For this conversation, you want to spend a few moments thinking and preparing before you engage the physician (which you want to do in private, by the way, and not in front of an audience if possible).

Begin with an Attention Check. Remember the purpose of using an Attention Check is to create engagement, not defensiveness. For example,

“I’d like to talk about meeting your expectations. Do you have a minute?”

Share facts first, then your interpretation. The data of what occurred is followed by your interpretation.

“Obviously, when you threw the sponge at me (Data), I was not meeting your expectations. (Interpretation)”

Ask questions to increase understanding. You can ask questions to check your thinking, such as:

“Is that true?”

Or you can ask questions that increase your learning:

“What were your expectations at that time?”

Be sure to keep asking and listening until you have a clear understanding of expectations.

Summarize and share expectations and consequences. Summarize both of your perspectives—yours and the physician’s. Then share your expectations and consequences. It might sounds like this:

“I want to provide excellent care for our patients and extraordinary support for you. And I want to be clear about meeting your expectations. (Expectations)
When you throw things at me, I become defensive to the point that my productivity might fall even shorter of your expectations. (Consequences)
Does that make sense?”

Establish a Plan. Clearly identify what steps need to take place going forward in order to both meet the physician’s expectations and improve your productivity.

It is easy to remember to ask questions when you are confronted with emotion and irrationality. It is a bit more difficult to craft a conversation about expectations. Notice that the example we gave above does not even address respect—that would be a separate conversation entirely.

When you take a moment to think through the various aspects of any difficult conversation, you will help the conversation go more smoothly, and go further toward achieving your desired results. After all, working to improve the way you work as a team in the O.R. is certainly in everyone’s best interest.

Why Don't They Do What They Say They'll Do?

January 12th, 2011

Q: “My manager asked me to create a report for her. Although she promised to give me the facts and figures I need for the report, she has not done so yet. What do I say now?”

A: There are a number of reasons why leaders may break a commitment: First, changing priorities often influence one’s ability to keep a commitment within a specific time frame. Second, with all that leaders have to do, it is easy to overlook—or simply forget—some commitments. Or perhaps your manager has changed her mind about having you prepare the report after all.

This is a perfect example of a conversation that will reestablish your leader’s commitment and support for an assignment she has made. Here are a few tips to help you hold the conversation effectively:

Get her attention. Begin with an Attention Check that really engages your leader. For example, “I’d like to talk about how I can support you more effectively. Can we visit for a minute?”
Share the facts first. In this instance, sharing the data is simply explaining what has already occurred. It might sound like this: “You asked me to prepare a report on XYZ. I haven’t received the facts and figures yet that I need in order to complete the assignment.”
Provide your interpretation of the facts. Remember to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Even though you may be thinking, “You can’t keep a commitment to save your life!,” this is not what you want to say. Instead, consider sharing something like one of these interpretations: “I’m wondering if something else has taken priority over this project?” or “I’m thinking that maybe you have changed your mind about having me prepare the report.”
Ask “find out” questions. Ask questions to confirm or disconfirm your thinking by asking “Is that true?” or “Is that accurate?”
Forge a connection. After learning whether your manager still wants the report, reaffirm your commitment to her and summarize what you see as impending consequences:“I want to do a good job on this project, and I am committed to meeting your expectations (commitment). And yet, if I don’t receive the necessary information—as we agreed—I may not be able to complete the report at all (consequences).”
Formulate a plan. Simply ask your leader what goals and commitments both of you should make going forward and identify how each of you will contribute to achieving those goals.

To summarize: Take a few minutes to prepare how you will hold the conversation by creating an Attention Check, identifying the facts you want to share, and crafting an interpretation that is free of blame or accusation. Then ask questions to increase your understanding. Once you have gained additional necessary insight, reaffirm your commitment to do the work, identify impending consequences, and formulate a plan for success.

Taking a moment to think through the phases of the conversation will ensure your success. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Announcing our New Blog!!!

October 18th, 2010

This is a test of the blog addition feature. how does it wrk?