We’ve all said some things we regret. Why do we do it? Sometimes we don’t stop to consider our audience. Other times we’re tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed, and our emotions get the best of us. Or our lack of personal awareness may result in less-than-desirable behavior. Whatever the cause, conscious attention to our message is often lacking.
In my first job, I was hired as a trainer for a large corporation. During a communications workshop, a participant announced, “I’ve had all this before.” Without thinking, I retorted, “That’s interesting because our team just created the content for this session about a month ago, and I don’t recall you being on the team.” That was it. I never heard from him again.
Later, my manager—who was in the session—gave me feedback. He said the way I handled the situation not only shut down that individual but also struck fear into the hearts of every participant who might have wanted to ask a question or share their perspective. He told me my “comeback” response was not conducive to increasing class participation.
Here are eight categories of words or phrases to avoid—and some replacements that will increase engagement:
1. Dealing with Emotional Reactions
When someone is highly emotional, they aren’t thinking rationally. In these moments, we’re tempted to say things like: “Calm down,” “You’re not making any sense,” or “Just let it go.” These phrases attempt to minimize emotions but instead shut the person down or escalate the situation.
2. Using Absolutes
Phrases like “You always…” “You never…” or “Will you ever…” are sweeping judgments. They don’t apply in every situation, and they usually provoke defensiveness.
Be specific rather than absolute. For example: “I’ve noticed this happens sometimes—can we talk about it?” Now you’re addressing a particular instance and opening the door to explore solutions together.
3. Attacking the Person or Using Blunt Criticisms
Statements such as “You’re wrong,” “I can’t believe you said that!” or “That’s stupid!” attack the person’s capability or thinking. Speaking this way stifles initiative, openness, and respect. You can legitimately disagree, but stating your disagreement in this manner will not continue the conversation.
Try these instead:
Such phrasing lets you explore the data, logic, and experience behind a person’s thinking and experience rather than making it personal.
4. Offering Advice Uninvited
We often give advice assuming people want us to fix their problem. Many times, they simply want to be heard. Avoid phrases like: “If I were you…” “You should have…” or “You could have…” unless asked. These suggest the person can’t solve the problem on their own. Sometimes I will ask the person if they would like a suggestion for what they might do or how they might proceed.
Instead, ask permission:
If they only want you to listen, you might ask: “Would it help if I asked you some questions?” Then follow up with: “What have you tried?” or “What would you do differently if you could?” or “What got in the way of achieving the results you really wanted?”
5. Deflecting Accountability
It is difficult for some people to not only speak up, but to also make definitive statements or to take a stand. They will deflect by making such statements as, “It is what it is,” “Let’s agree to disagree,” “Some people say…”or “It is thought…” Such phrases shortcut thinking and deflect accountability. These can hinder genuine discourse and never lead to fully understanding a challenge and how to address it.
When this happens, name it and re-engage:
“I noticed you didn’t answer my question. I’d really value your perspective on this.”
6. Using Condescending Language
Sometimes people unintentionally talk down to others. These phrases sound patronizing even if we don’t mean them that way. Phrases like “Let me explain so you can understand,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “If you think that’s best, go ahead” belittle someone’s thinking, feelings, and actions. The phrases are only disrespectful, but they also are nuanced personal attacks.
Instead, try:
These are so much more effective in keeping the information and conversation moving forward, but they require mindfulness on the part of the person.
7. Weakening Your Own Message
Perhaps in an attempt to gain another’s attention or avoid any potential emotional reaction or conflict, we may weaken our message. So, we sometimes undercut ourselves with phrases like: “I could be wrong, but…” “Does that make sense?” (overused), “Kind of / Sort of / Like…” or “I’ll try.” These weaken credibility and clarity.
Instead, be direct:
Directness builds trust and clarity.
8. Being Silent
Silence can be just as damaging as words. If someone speaks and you say nothing, avoid eye contact, or walk away, you’ve likely destroyed credibility.
A better option: “I don’t know how to respond right now. May I take some time to think that through?” Or, if you need space, “I need a moment—I’ll come back to this.” Managing yourself in the moment improves both respect and dialogue.
Final Thought
Conversations derail when our words minimize, judge, or weaken our message. They thrive when our words invite dialogue, show respect, and express confidence.
The shift doesn’t require magic—just mindfulness. By replacing a handful of everyday phrases, you’ll find people become less defensive, more open, and far more willing to collaborate.
After all, words matter. Use them wisely, and they’ll work for you—not against you.
